Monday, August 8, 2011

State Fair

Is there any better display of who we are as a country than a state fair? I submit that there is not! Seriously, what already artery-clogging food won't we submerge in batter and then deep fry? What sedentary farm animal won't we cheer on as they race around a track for our own entertainment? What farm equipment logo won't we air brush onto a t-shirt with our own name and proudly wear the same day? It's breathtaking, really.

But if there's one thing I love about this country, it's the passion to get better, the innate drive to push the limits of health and ridiculous spectacle to its most extreme boundary. In that spirit, here are a few things I hope I will see next year at the state fair:

1. Deep fried Hot Pockets--Let's be honest, this has been a long time coming. They are already deep-frying kool-aid (how they accomplish this culinary feat is beyond me). Frankly, I can't believe we haven't already deep fried a bread pocket full of nasty meat. What are we waiting for?

2. Cow-tipping--I have to give credit to a friend for this idea. Part of the beauty of the state fair is giving us city folk a real rural experience. I must admit, cow tipping seemed a little cruel to cows when I visualize it, but then I realized that I had beef for dinner. If given a choice between being tipped, and being dinner, I think I know which one the cow would choose. But then again, we'd probably tip it, slaughter it, and eat it on the spot. God bless 'murica.

3. A giant chicken sculpture made of solidified human fat--This year's fair had a butter cow and a chocolate pig. One would think seeing so much butter and chocolate in the form of farm animals would discourage eating but all it did was confuse me as I tried to figure out what I was most hungry for. Mmmm, steak sounds good. No, wait, I want chocolate. No, bacon! No, beef! Okay, I'll admit it. I want a freshly killed cowpig slathered in chocolate and melted butter. I dare you to tell me that doesn't sound delicious right now.

What do you want to see at the fair next year?