Thursday, September 6, 2012

Parenting 101

Babies are so needy. They are always wanting you to hold them or feed them or change them or love them. Enough already! Babies are such babies! I mean, I brought my son into this world (well, I was there at least), isn't that enough? But noooooo, he actually wants me to be nearby and even play with him on occasion. After nine months in the womb just kicking around you would think he would have learned how to entertain himself. Seriously, when you are amazed and delighted by ceiling fans, floor vents, and mirrors, how do you ever get bored? And yet, he does. He tires of all his toys and becomes insistent that I hold him. Doesn't he realize how busy I am? I mean, my fantasy football team isn't going to update itself. However, his constant need for affection does have an upside: I have become an expert at one-armed/one-handed living. You wouldn't believe the tasks I accomplish with him in one arm. Seriously, you could stick my left arm in a wood chipper this second and it would have little or no impact on my functionality. Don't believe me? Here is a list of things I have mastered using only one arm whilst holding my son in the other:

-Checking facebook


-Taking out the garbage

-Washing dishes and unloading the dishwasher

-Sweeping the floor

-Opening baby-safe pill bottles


-Harvesting food from the garden

-Making paper cranes

-Cooking dinner

-Making balloon animals

-Mowing the lawn

-Cutting down trees

-Retrieving the mail

-Back handspring

-Google searching for couples who may want to adopt our baby

-Juggling chainsaws

Okay, I will admit, that some of those items are less impressive than others. But it really took me a while to figure out the pill bottle thing.

P.S. In case my grandmother or a concerned citizen reads this: I really do love my baby and he is not actually up for adoption. Most of the dangerous items on the list I only perform on rare occasions to impress strangers.

1 comment:

  1. Um... driving with one hand with a baby in the other? Again? I told you to use the car seat! Now one handed chainsaw juggling? I'm impressed.